The Guns and I were talking to a musician on the ship, and somehow we got onto the topic of riders . You know, the part of a celebrity’s contract where they specify their “needs” for the job… everything from the types of food and beverages they want to the way the dressing room is decorated. Anyway, this musician pointed out that a rider is not just about the celeb being comfortable or even about control or asserting your power, sometimes it’s just to make sure that the producer or whoever is paying attention.
And that makes me remember the reason we got to talking about riders. Our friend ordered a “very dirty martini. I need four olives” at a bar, and then told us that if there were 4 olives he knew they were paying attention.
He got his 4 olives. Our barmen on the ship would be really good with riders.
For example, a Van Halen rider once stated they needed a bowl of M&Ms with no brown ones in the bowl. Is this stupid? Sure. Is it a power move? Probably. But it’s also probably a way to make sure that all the details are in place. If they can’t get the M&Ms right, then what else are they going to miss? Sound levels? Microphone placement?
And I get it for musicians and other performer types, to an extent. You travel and you have one shot to get the show right for this audience, and so you really do need everything to be perfect, for all the details to be in place.
But let’s not take this to the point where we’re asking for a group of $50 luxury candles to perform at a charity event (I’m looking at you J Lo) or requiring that furniture must be covered in plastic wrap until you uncover it (this is from Pri-… the artist formerly known as… wait, I can’t even keep up with your name, much less your rider demands.). That seems silly.
Something else that is silly, but pretty fun is coming up with your own rider. So I did.
The Guns’ Rider
Bag of smoked cheddar popcorn and cup of English Tea provided daily
Set of Under Armour workout gear
Access to all ESPN networks
Bag of treats (flavor doesn’t matter, but must be soft and chewy)
Access to space underneath the bed or other furniture
No puppies living in the same space as Bravo (note from Bravo: I find them annoying, and I will snap at them, which somehow upsets everyone)
No thunder, lightning or wind (note from Bravo: you claim you cannot control this, but I ask that you try)
Access to DVR and television channels including, but not limited to: Bravo, HGTV, NBC, E!, TBS, OWN, and TLC
Food requests include raw cookie dough, nutella and wheat thins, hot and spicy Ramen noodles, buffalo wings, and assortment of berries (no blueberries, please)
Coke, Pepsi, Dr.Pepper and their flavor variations are the preferred beverages
No diet drinks should be offered to kj
no baby talk around kj (note from kj: as in don’t talk like a baby, but you are free to talk about your own, someone else’s, or a celebrity baby)
… I would have put more but The Guns is so low maintenance, I don’t feel like I can go much further…
I should have posted this prior to leaving the ship so that our family and friends could properly prepare for our arrival as we travel around to various locations. We’ve yet to make it to my parents’ house, though, so perhaps my family will properly prepare. We’ll see how well they pay attention…
What’s on your rider?