over my head, calories

I don’t really know how calories work.  I’m sure I could figure it out, but I don’t really want to.  I don’t want to know if my can of Dr. Pepper has the same amount of calories as half my dinner.  I just want my Dr. Pepper.

Don’t get me wrong.  I try to eat healthy things.  Especially when I’m cooking a meal. Mainly because it takes way too much effort to deep fry things.  Also, we don’t have a deep fryer.  But there are certain times when I don’t care what I eat.  I just want to eat whatever I want.  Whether it be deep-fried, sugar-coated, chocolate-covered, fat-filled, butter-soaked, I want to eat it.  When I’m stressed.  When I have way too much to do.  When it’s my birthday.  When it’s my favorite day of the week.  When it’s my least favorite day of the week.

I just need to confess this to you.

Also, I need to share my secret with you.  How I get around all those calories.*

*Please note, before reading the rest of this post… you must insert your tongue into your cheek.*

Zero-calorie situations.

That’s right.  There are certain situations where calories don’t count.  Here’s my guide to taking full advantage of those situations.

Situation: Holidays
Reasoning: It depends on the holiday.  Valentine’s Day, you’re either really mad or really in love and strong emotions make you burn calories. Holidays in general run high with emotions, so calories are cancelled out.
Related Situations:  Hey, if you get worked up enough, pretty much any holiday could work for this one… arbor day.  Talk like a pirate day.  Anything.

Situation: Your birthday
Reasoning: it’s your birthday.  calories don’t count.  don’t ask questions.  At the very least, your birthday cake effectively has zero calories, but you can probably get away with anything you want to eat, because the next day you’ll be in a food coma so you won’t eat anything anyway.  Bam, Calories cancelled out.
Related situations: Your wedding.  Yep eat that wedding cake.  as much as you want.  Also, other people’s birthday cake has zero calories because that’s caloric intake for the benefit of someone else (because who wants to eat their birthday cake alone?)

Situation: You’re Stressed
Reasoning: When you’re stressed your body is working really hard so you just need to eat as much as possible to take advantage of all the hard-work your body is doing.  What’s a couple extra calories when you’re running a mile a minute?… EAT THE COOKIE DOUGH!  Don’t bake it, just eat it.
Related situations: All-nighters, cramming for finals, presentation day, etc.

Any other zero calorie situations that I missed?  Or situations where it just doesn’t matter how many calories, you’re gonna eat the deep-fried twinkie anyway?  What would you eat if calories never counted?

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7 thoughts on “over my head, calories

  1. One time Erica Sterns and I decided that if she ate half a bag of Doritos and I at the other half that it canceled out the calories and it didn't count. We ate a whole bag of Doritos that day.

  2. I'm fully on the “eat WHATEVER I want on my birthday train.” I go hog wild.

    I like your thinking. I wish my metabolism and hips agreed, lol.

  3. I don't mean to be a Johnny Disagreer, but at least with the stressed situation, studies show that eating healthier food when you are stressed is better than sugary or fatty foods. Now of course it does not taste as good, but thats what they say. Anyways I DO agree with the birthday, wedding, holiday non calorie counter. Ok this post is way too long. Love you and the blog!

  4. I'm also thinking celebrations— a new job, friends' weddings, graduations, etc. Whether it was your hard work or you're celebrating a friend's achievement— eat the cake! Be happy!

  5. I agree with the first day of your time of the month. Nothing will make you feel better than a milkshake followed by midol washed down with a glass of wine!

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