I don’t really know how calories work. I’m sure I could figure it out, but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to know if my can of Dr. Pepper has the same amount of calories as half my dinner. I just want my Dr. Pepper.
Don’t get me wrong. I try to eat healthy things. Especially when I’m cooking a meal. Mainly because it takes way too much effort to deep fry things. Also, we don’t have a deep fryer. But there are certain times when I don’t care what I eat. I just want to eat whatever I want. Whether it be deep-fried, sugar-coated, chocolate-covered, fat-filled, butter-soaked, I want to eat it. When I’m stressed. When I have way too much to do. When it’s my birthday. When it’s my favorite day of the week. When it’s my least favorite day of the week.
I just need to confess this to you.
Also, I need to share my secret with you. How I get around all those calories.*
*Please note, before reading the rest of this post… you must insert your tongue into your cheek.*
That’s right. There are certain situations where calories don’t count. Here’s my guide to taking full advantage of those situations.
Situation: Your birthday
Reasoning: it’s your birthday. calories don’t count. don’t ask questions. At the very least, your birthday cake effectively has zero calories, but you can probably get away with anything you want to eat, because the next day you’ll be in a food coma so you won’t eat anything anyway. Bam, Calories cancelled out.
Related situations: Your wedding. Yep eat that wedding cake. as much as you want. Also, other people’s birthday cake has zero calories because that’s caloric intake for the benefit of someone else (because who wants to eat their birthday cake alone?)
Situation: You’re Stressed
Reasoning: When you’re stressed your body is working really hard so you just need to eat as much as possible to take advantage of all the hard-work your body is doing. What’s a couple extra calories when you’re running a mile a minute?… EAT THE COOKIE DOUGH! Don’t bake it, just eat it.
Related situations: All-nighters, cramming for finals, presentation day, etc.
Any other zero calorie situations that I missed? Or situations where it just doesn’t matter how many calories, you’re gonna eat the deep-fried twinkie anyway? What would you eat if calories never counted?