The Unknown

Have you had a chance to nickname my husband? Let me know if you’ve got some ideas!

My favorite part of reading a book or watching a movie is the wondering.  What’s going to happen next?  

That’s not usually my favorite part of life, though.

I have a few friends that are on the cusp of some obvious unknowns.  Graduations, weddings, moving their homes- all things that have a bit of an unknown aspect to them by definition.

I know the anxiety of an unknown. Well.  I’ve had those unknowns.  Those “crap, I’m graduating” moments, where I wonder what’s next.  Except I’ve already graduated.  So now it’s just wondering what’s next, and wondering if what’s next is good enough.

This is just a fun graduation photo… When this photo was taken, I hadn’t gotten to the anxiety part yet….

By nature of the things I do, I’ve been just jumping from gig to gig.  And as much as that gives me anxiety, it’s been working.  And I just keep thinking “just keep swimming,” which is the best thing I took away from Finding Nemo (a very stressful movie for me to see.  Will Nemo be saved or is he stuck in the crazy dentist’s office????  WHY CAN’T THE ELLEN FISH REMEMBER ANYTHING???).

But something weird happened a few weeks ago.

I realized that I only had through mid-June planned out.  After that, nothing is set in stone.  At least not yet.  I have a lot to do between now and mid-June, but around that time I’ll be winding down.

And instead of freaking out about it and scouring Craig’s List and job postings, I kind of liked it.  As much as I loved college for the fact that it gave me something very important and valuable to work for, and the goals and pathways to reach those goals were very clear (don’t you wish that your life, your workplace gave you a syllabus twice a year??? that would be amazing), as much as I loved all that… I didn’t get to explore for the sake of exploring.  I didn’t get to wake up one day and wonder what was gonna happen.  I didn’t get to ask enough “what ifs?”  I could have, but I was so focused on my set path that I never did.

So for once I’m ok with not knowing.  And getting to experience the “what if?”  And getting to find out what happens, instead of trying to plan it out myself.

Don’t worry, I will get a job.  Bravo will not starve.  And I will keep you posted.


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