If you’ve been reading (or if you know me at all) you know that the whole “wife” thing, in some ways, freaks me out. All I really know about being married is that I want to be with J and I want what’s best for him.
But there is this little voice inside of me that is telling me I have to be “better.”
I need to be better at:
- putting together a home
- laundry and doing it on time
- making the bed every morning
- looking my best
- dressing like that great early twenties married woman
- grocery shopping
- saving money
- managing money
- making money
- my jobs
You’ve read my entries where I’ve admitted to thinking I should have a job, be a certain age, and be at a certain financial status in order to get married. And I think that since I didn’t have all of these things “together” before July 11 now I feel like I have to catch up. Like somehow being married is the pinnacle of my life, thus everything must be perfect? I must be perfect?
Why is this? I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. And I’m pretty sure other people who feel this way… it’s not coming from our husbands or fiancés or boyfriends.
I say all this because I woke up in the middle of the night last night… I’m having weird issues with mucus in my throat, to be completely honest, and it was time for me to take my medicine again and then I was up. And so I thought “well, maybe I’ll blog” and then I got obsessive about finding more ways to get my blog “out there” and so I wanted to read other blogs that were doing that and I stumbled upon another newlywed blog and I just got overwhelmed. She wrote every day, it was organized, and she’d just posted about a bunch of different parts of their life and all of the sudden the two full meals I’ve cooked and my living room décor did not seem so awesome.
And from there my mind just spun:
I want to make my blog better, I need to post our wedding photos, I’ve already taken apartment pictures why haven’t I posted those, I need to start making blog friends, I need to write that article, it needs to be good even though it’s an unpaid project, but if I do all that how will I have time to clean the apartment, do laundry, plan a menu, and make dinner.
so I climbed back into bed and moved around a lot hoping J would wake up, and he does so I say “are you happy?” and he says that he is, but I still can’t shake the feelings of inadequacy. Which is funny since I spent all my pre-wedding life asserting that I would be the kind of wife that I wanted to be, and that J wanted me to be, which meant that homemaking and generally being the June Cleaver/Donna Reed wife would not be my main way of measuring how good I am at this marriage thing. And yet, somewhere down there, I want to be that? What? When did this happen??
If you’re smart you realize that when I got up this morning at 8 (as opposed to 3:30) I realized I was obsessing and overreacting, and being kind of ridiculous. And yet I felt that way, and I’ve felt it before…
Anybody else feel this way?